Children #2 So that previous post was the result of all the long conversations Mel and I have been having, but also of my morning's babysitting experience. I've known this child for a year now and I've watched him grow from a sulky, constantly-crying, clingy little one year into a happy, sunny, smiley 2 year old who doesn't wail anymore when mommy goes off for counselling but just climbs into my lap and watches me type, or plays with his cars right next to me as I work at the computer.

And that's just what he was doing today. My desk is an L-shaped one with the computer on one section and piles and piles of papers on the other (yes, I know, I really need to do some filing. That's beside the point though). So while I was typing away, this little chap came over with his cars, stood beside me with his back facing me and played with his cars on the extension of my desk. He was so absorbed in controlling his little urban world that he didn't notice when I stopped typing and started watching him play. It's fascinating watching little children play because they figure out so much more than we give them credit for.

This little boy used my files and papers as bridges and fly-overs for his little ambulance truck and 2 matchbox-type cars and he stood there with his head resting on my arm for almost half an hour, weaving his vehicles through all the "traffic" and across "fly-overs." I'm not too sure why watching him play fascinated me so much but I stopped what I was working on and just watched him for half an hour. I think it was a combination of things - I saw him not as a child, but as a human being who was making decisions, learning things and as someone who had grown so much as a person in one year. And I was proud of him. And he's not even my kid! It was a little freaky how attached I am to this child - I mean he totally trashed my office and I didn't even get mad. I just got him to help me put stuff back by making it a game. Like how Super Nanny said.

I got a little freaked out at that point because I totally got what people have been saying to me time and again - it's different when it's your own child. I used to be all yeah yeah watever. But now - I mean there I was watching him play, smiling back at his toothy, dribbly grins, feeling all proud at how he's grown, thinking I'll miss him when I leave and wanting to grab him and hold him close - and he's not even mine!

So maybe if I did happen to have one of my own at some point in my life, it wouldn't be all bad...  ¶ 11:49 am

  Children... Of late, Mel and I have been having in-depth discussions on the subject. Our opinions sway from the oh-hell-who-wants-the-responsibility to sigh-kids-are-cute-I-want-one-too!

I have nothing against kids per se and I must admit that I quite like playing with them and holding them which I'm quite relieved about because I went through a phase some years back where I intensely disliked being around kids - especially screamy ones! Now I don't mind it as much at all - even the screaming. It's tiring, but I just try and figure out if they need anything and if not, just ignore them and soon enough, it dies down. But then - playing with and holding someone else's kid is totally different from having my own coz I know I can give him/her back. And trust me, that makes all the difference!

So I've been asking myself - why do people want kids? Is it because it's something that's expected of you once you get married? Is it because you want to keep your family name alive? Or to pass on your genes? Or so that you'll have someone to look after you when you're old and decrepit? Those are all reasons I've heard from different parents but none of them make any sense to me.

So that takes me back to square one. If I were to want children at some point, what would the reason for that be. If I'm truly honest, I'm reaaallly keen to see what they'd look like. But that's really not a good enough reason. So then maybe because I've heard that motherhood is a rewarding experience and I want to experience carrying my own child and giving birth to a tiny little human being? Hmmm yeah, possibly. But the problem with that is, what if after I have the child I decide that I've had enough of the experience and I don't really want anymore of it? That's the thing though - motherhood isn't a job that you can resign for. And I don't like feeling trapped.

And then I think maybe I'm thinking about it too much. Maybe I should deal with it just as I deal with other things in life - go with my gut instinct and then go with the flow. Cross bridges when you get to them and stuff like that.

Yup. I think that's what I'll do. But then I'm left with this little niggling voice at the back of my head - so do you want kids or not?!

Good god I don't know! I guess if they come along I'll look after them, nurture them etc etc but I'm definitely not getting clucky like Some other people I know - not any time soon anyway!  ¶ 10:45 am